I think it was Memorial Day weekend a few years ago.  I had just returned from Birmingham on Monday evening, joined the boys at the bar, and I can’t remember much after that.  The next morning I found the kitchen in disarray with a big bowl of fried rice in the fridge, carrot peels in the sink and a used (and abused) pan on the stove. I guess was a good night. I came to and remembered bits and pieces of what had happened. A friend was crashing on my couch that night and before hitting the sack at around 1am, I decided I needed to eat. I had spam(!), carrots, frozen peas, onions and my arsenal of spices.

Making the spam fried rice was probably easy, as I’d done it a million times before, but what totally blew my mind was my friend’s suggestion of what to do with the carrots: saute them with toasted cumin seeds! Like, whoa.  Finely julienned and sauteed with peanut oil, red pepper flakes, some salt, brown sugar and cumin seeds.  Amazeballs.  I’ve done this a dozen times since as a tasty side/topping on all sorts of quick meals.

For the carrots, I prefer to julienne them by hand, but I have both the knife experience and the patience to do so. It’s not for everyone. There are a number of tools on the market that will make this process easier, such as this one.

• 4 carrots, finely julienned
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 2 tsp brown sugar
• 1 tsp cumin seeds
• 1 pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
• 1 tbsp peanut oil
• salt and pepper, to taste

Heat up a pan over high heat. Drizzle peanut oil to coat the pan. When the oil begins to shimmer, add the cumin seeds and minced garlic. If using red pepper flakes, add them. When fragrant, add the carrots and saute, stirring constantly, for a few minutes until they begin to get pliant. Add the brown sugar and continue to stir until carrots are soft. Season with salt and pepper. Serve hot or cooled over rice, in tacos, or out of the fridge for a midnight snack.

Last week, my good friend Kavitha handed me a fresh cucumber from her garden and charged me with the task of creating something I had never attempted before.

I decided to take my inspiration from a dish at Peter Chang’s Tasty China in Marietta. I don’t know what it’s officially called, but it’s a cold dish with julienned chicken and cucumber that’s tossed in a very hot and numbing Szechuan sauce. The crunchy juiciness of the cucumber pulls back from the heat and gives it a refreshing summeriness.

I embarked on my own version and decided from the beginning that this wouldn’t be anywhere near the spiciness of your typical Szechuan food, but the results surprised me…

For the dressing, I started last night by toasting up a heaping tablespoon of Szechuan peppercorns and one teaspoon of red pepper flakes on the stove. Once fragrant, I transferred them to a mortar and pestle and began to grind them down, but not too fine. Half a cup of canola oil was warmed on the stove and then poured over the ground peppercorn mixture and allowed to sit overnight. This morning, I strained and filtered it so I was left with the infused oil.

One tbsp infused oil, 2 tsp hot (spicy) sesame oil, 2 tsp rice vinegar, 2 tsp soy, 1 tsp dry sherry, 1 tsp Sriracha. Whisk that up and it’s a dressing!

For the chicken, I used chicken breast so that it would take on the flavor of the dressing without making it heavier. There’s a technique that allows you to have very thin pieces of chicken breast that won’t dry out on you while cooking or cooling. Taking a que from my mother’s cooking, I cut thin strips of chicken breast with the grain and tossed them in soy, sesame oil and a little bit of cornstarch. The cornstarch is key. When these pieces are dropped individually in simmering water, the starch immediately gels together and forms a thin shell around the meat, effectively preventing it from drying out rapidly, as breast meat tends to do. Pretty nifty. They’ll still dry out if you leave them in too long, so it’s good to work in batches. After fishing the last of those guys out, I let them drain and cool.

Finally, I julienned the fresh cucumber and had some fun with the plating. For the first plate, I kept the cucumber and the chicken separate, but both had already been tossed with the dressing. Using a formal, more architectural gesture, I laid the chicken over a bed of the cucumber, which was sitting in a pool of the dressing. For the second plate, I mixed it all together and also included some chopped cilantro.

The resulting product was completely different from the dish that inspired it. I knew this would be the case while I was whisking up the dressing, tweaking for flavors. The oil I had infused wasn’t as strong as I intended- the numbing sensation from the peppercorns was mild. I didn’t want to lose that, so I ended up downplaying everything else, including the heat. You’re usually pretty aware that you’re eating Szechuan the moment you take that first bite, but here the first flavors to hit were the vinegar and savoriness. The chicken was done just right and the thin gel on the exterior concentrated the chicken-y flavor and had a smooth, silky mouthfeel (omg i used that word). The crunchy cucumber tasted fresh and clean. And then the heat and the numbing sensation hit. Yes, it was Szechuan, but only subtly so.

I didn’t do very much with the cucumber, but I feel like it served a very specific, very important purpose. Kavitha also wanted me to explore cocktail ideas, but with just one cucumber, I used it all for the dish. More cucumbers, please!

That’s right. I’ve made this more times at 3am while inebriated than in daylight while sober. It makes a lot of sense, too. First, unless you’re Hawaiian or crazy, Spam isn’t all that appealing. Drunk? Barrier slightly breached. Second, Spam does not go bad. One of my best friends is Hawaiian, and ever since that first leap of faith to try the food of his native country, I saw the light. This shit is good fried. And even better when shitfaced! Let’s keep some in the cabinet. Third, fried rice tastes better when made with day old steamed rice. It’s a little drier and more firm, so the grains aren’t as likely to stick to each other and/or get mushy. In this case, we’re talking about rice that’s been made for dinner at around 8pm. Seven hours later, that’s kinda like a day, right?

But let’s be honest. I was drunk. I don’t always have cooked rice on hand. I’ve actually put rice in the rice cooker and waited half an hour for fresh steamed rice while prepping the rest of the ingredients. While drunk at 3am. I’m just that dedicated.

And I should clarify that unlike other foods whose names are prefixed by the word drunken, there is no alcohol in this recipe (except for some dry sherry). You’re the drunk factor. Additionally, I have friends who remember eating this more than I do. There have been “mornings” when I’ve walked into the kitchen wondering who the hell made fried rice last night? That said, I’m idealizing the preparation in this recipe. It’s how I imagine it should be made. My improvisational instincts are pretty good, but I’m pretty sure that in the wee hours I’m willing to compromise here and there.

Actually, don’t make this while drunk. You’re probably going to hurt yourself.

• 3 cups prepared, day old steamed rice (I like short grain sushi rice)
• 1/2 can Spam, chopped
• 1 8 oz can chopped pineapple, drained and roughly chopped
• 2 large eggs, beaten
• 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
• 1/2 cup chopped carrots (small cubes)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tbsp soy sauce
• 2 tbsp oyster sauce
• 1 tbsp dry sherry
• 1 tsp white pepper
• 1/4 cup chopped scallions
• 1/4 cup chopped cilantro
• sesame oil
• canola or vegetable oil

You can start with a smaller pan to cook the eggs, but I like to use one pan for the entire process if possible.

Drop a tablespoon of canola oil on a LARGE nonstick skillet. Swirl it around and then place on medium heat. While it’s getting up to temperature, season the beaten eggs with some salt and a drizzle of sesame oil. Pour the eggs onto the skillet, but don’t scramble. Let it cook in one sheet. When it’s just almost done, but not quite, transfer back to the bowl and reserve for later.

Turn the heat up to high. In the same large skillet, brown the chopped Spam. You don’t need to add oil. Trust. This will take about five to ten minutes depending on your equipment. Transfer to a plate lined with paper towel. Discard the oil/grease left on the pan, then wipe with a paper towel.

Add a fresh tablespoon of canola oil to the pan and place it on high heat, again. Add the garlic, onions and carrots. Saute until the onions are translucent, then turn the heat down to medium and add the soy, oyster sauce and dry sherry. Stir, then immediately add the rice and mix well in order to incorporate the sauce. Dust white pepper over the rice while mixing, also ensuring that it gets incorporated well.

Fold in the egg, Spam, pineapple, scallions and cilantro. The egg will break into pieces while doing so. Finally, season with salt to taste.

Other things I’ve made while drunk at 3am needing sustenance: apple pie (crust and all), tacos, tortilla chips, banh mi, pancakes… this could be a series in itself, but I think the Spam fried rice really tops the list.