That’s right. I’ve made this more times at 3am while inebriated than in daylight while sober. It makes a lot of sense, too. First, unless you’re Hawaiian or crazy, Spam isn’t all that appealing. Drunk? Barrier slightly breached. Second, Spam does not go bad. One of my best friends is Hawaiian, and ever since that first leap of faith to try the food of his native country, I saw the light. This shit is good fried. And even better when shitfaced! Let’s keep some in the cabinet. Third, fried rice tastes better when made with day old steamed rice. It’s a little drier and more firm, so the grains aren’t as likely to stick to each other and/or get mushy. In this case, we’re talking about rice that’s been made for dinner at around 8pm. Seven hours later, that’s kinda like a day, right?
But let’s be honest. I was drunk. I don’t always have cooked rice on hand. I’ve actually put rice in the rice cooker and waited half an hour for fresh steamed rice while prepping the rest of the ingredients. While drunk at 3am. I’m just that dedicated.
And I should clarify that unlike other foods whose names are prefixed by the word drunken, there is no alcohol in this recipe (except for some dry sherry). You’re the drunk factor. Additionally, I have friends who remember eating this more than I do. There have been “mornings” when I’ve walked into the kitchen wondering who the hell made fried rice last night? That said, I’m idealizing the preparation in this recipe. It’s how I imagine it should be made. My improvisational instincts are pretty good, but I’m pretty sure that in the wee hours I’m willing to compromise here and there.
Actually, don’t make this while drunk. You’re probably going to hurt yourself.
- 3 cups prepared, day old steamed rice (I like short grain sushi rice)
- 1/2 can Spam, chopped
- 1 8 oz can chopped pineapple, drained and roughly chopped
- 2 large eggs, beaten
- 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
- 1/2 cup chopped carrots (small cubes)
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tbsp soy sauce
- 2 tbsp oyster sauce
- 1 tbsp dry sherry
- 1 tsp white pepper
- 1/4 cup chopped scallions
- 1/4 cup chopped cilantro
- sesame oil
- canola or vegetable oil
You can start with a smaller pan to cook the eggs, but I like to use one pan for the entire process if possible.
Drop a tablespoon of canola oil on a LARGE nonstick skillet. Swirl it around and then place on medium heat. While it’s getting up to temperature, season the beaten eggs with some salt and a drizzle of sesame oil. Pour the eggs onto the skillet, but don’t scramble. Let it cook in one sheet. When it’s just almost done, but not quite, transfer back to the bowl and reserve for later.
Turn the heat up to high. In the same large skillet, brown the chopped Spam. You don’t need to add oil. Trust. This will take about five to ten minutes depending on your equipment. Transfer to a plate lined with paper towel. Discard the oil/grease left on the pan, then wipe with a paper towel.
Add a fresh tablespoon of canola oil to the pan and place it on high heat, again. Add the garlic, onions and carrots. Saute until the onions are translucent, then turn the heat down to medium and add the soy, oyster sauce and dry sherry. Stir, then immediately add the rice and mix well in order to incorporate the sauce. Dust white pepper over the rice while mixing, also ensuring that it gets incorporated well.
Fold in the egg, Spam, pineapple, scallions and cilantro. The egg will break into pieces while doing so. Finally, season with salt to taste.
Other things I’ve made while drunk at 3am needing sustenance: apple pie (crust and all), tacos, tortilla chips, banh mi, pancakes… this could be a series in itself, but I think the Spam fried rice really tops the list.